Words I Couldn't Say

Sometimes all anyone wants is for someone else to say: “I’m here for you”. The world is one huge place. Every day you will see or notice someone who you will never meet or get to know their name. However, for the people that you spend most of your time with or for the people who you will never want to drift from or for the people that you secretly love, tell them that you are there for them. In turn, if everyone does this, every single person on this planet will know that someone out there, cares. That someone out there, in this big gigantic world, is important to someone else.

There are too many people who feel alone. There are too many people who even though have a family, don’t get told that they are loved every single day. In life, each day you live, you don’t get back. People need to hear how important they are to others. It’s human nature to want to matter to someone else. So please, take every opportunity to make sure that everyone: your closest friends, family, co-workers, distant friends that they matter. That without them in your lives, something would be missing.

Most people will never ask out loud for someone to tell them: “I’m here for you” or “You matter to me”. But never be afraid to show that this may be what you want most in life. I can assure you that you will never be alone with this request. It is true that most people don’t think about it or most people will never own up to such a request. But that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be heard.

I, for one, wish that someone tells me this and means it when they say it, every single day. This world is huge. How are people supposed to know where they stand on the map if they aren’t told every day? Pick someone, anyone, every day and tell them what everyone is always wanting to hear.

Lately I have been having ugly nightmares. They are so vivid and it’s like they haunt me before I go to sleep. These nightmares are not like the kind you get when you are a little kid and you want your parents to stay with you until you fall back asleep. These nightmares are things that are out of your control. I thought it was just one, but they keep coming back. They scare me.

I feel like everything that you dream can be hidden feelings that you do not want to face when you are conscience. These nightmares are telling me that I am scared about bad things happening in life. Which is completely true, I am scared. I am always scared about so many things. However, I thought I handled everything. I thought I was being more positive and that I had strength to deal with it all.

I need to promise myself that I am going to handle everything better. That I need to understand that everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING. You cannot control life in the sense that you cannot control which obstacles come your way and which obstacles don’t. Whenever I get my brain to wrap around this mentality, I believe I will be able to sleep well. I need to bring prayer back into my life. It’s the only thing that can help me face the world without wanting to control what is coming to me.

Sometimes I have so much to say but I can’t say it all or I can’t find the write person to say it to. Bottom line, I’m feeling scared and nervous and it’s all happening again. I need a distraction. I need something to stop me from worrying. I know why I have these feelings and I know they will be there until my dad get’s better, but I still don’t want to have to listen to them. Things are getting hard again. It’s getting hard to talk. It’s getting hard to stay active. I need something, someone to give me hope. I wish things were different. I wish I didn’t feel this way. Even though it might be as if I am falling apart, I won’t. I will always be strong for him. I promise you that. I just sometimes need help along the way. I guess I just need to be able to tell myself over and over again:

Don’t lose hope.

Don’t forget who you are fighting for.

Don’t forget how much you care and need these people in your life.

Don’t forget that it is ok to feel out of control.

I need to remind myself that even though I have so much to say, I desperately need to write it down or somehow get it out of my system and think about how grateful I am. I need to think about who I have in my life and how much they matter. I can’t give up. But I definitely heard something that relates. It goes like this: “It’s good to be scared. Means that you still have something to lose”. I have a bunch of things to lose. And I will not give up..